At age 22, I started stripping. Over the next fifteen years I worked as a dominatrix, porn actress, and escort.

Now I’m 49.

Here are 23 things I know now that I wished I’d known then:

#2: You are sexy as fuck, just as you are. Stop obsessing with some imaginary version of yourself. Instead, love what you’ve got.

All the years I spent working, I struggled with terror, insecurity, and low self-esteem, even as I built up a loyal clientele and made six figures a year. I’d check myself out in the mirror constantly, convinced that today was the day everyone was going to figure out that I was too ugly, too old, with too much cellulite for this line of work, and it would all be over.

I know it wasn’t just me. My friends, every last one I thought was five times more gorgeous than I could ever hope to be, they all suffered. Hating the way they looked: their weight, their breasts, their skin, their shape. Wrestling with extreme diets and weird beauty regimens. One escort I’d do doubles with would use a “breast enhancer”– basically a penis pump for titties – to plump up her boobs before every call. I certainly couldn’t tell the difference. To me they were just as flawless and tasty before as after.

Looking back on it now, all I can do is shake my head at all that unnecessary pain.

I didn’t have anyone to tell me then what I know now is true: there is no correlation between “perfection” and happiness, or even having a happy clientele. The idea that if you look a certain way, all your problems melt. It’s easy to think that — believe me, I lived it for years — but it’s just simply untrue.

There is a clientele for every look out there – fat, thin, punk, precious, old, young. Every gender, size, age, hairstyle, shape. Whatever color of the rainbow, you rock.

Now, plenty of clients are on the hunt for a certain look, and if you don’t have it, they won’t pick you, it’s true. But plenty more are looking for variety, spontaneity, originality, authenticity, humor. Someone who can talk dirty real good. Someone who listens. Someone who reminds them of someone they loved. Beauty is no guarantee you’re any fun to be around.

Stop comparing yourself to some impossible commercial ideal. Falling madly in love with what you’ve got, and inviting others to do the same – it’s contagious. Trusting clients want to swoon in the juicy deliciousness that only you offer? That is excellent business.

I talk about self-esteem, self-love, and building a great clientele at length in Thriving in Sex Work: Heartfelt Advice for Staying Sane in the Sex Industry, now available as an ebook here. Paperback due out July 15th!

Until next time, be sweet to yourself--

Lola D.

More juicy Lola goodness? Yes, please!

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