Dear Lola:

I saw that you married a client. Is that common? It's a weird kink, but I've always wanted to have a relationship with a girl who continues to sleep with other men. And recently I've realized that dating/marrying an escort would be great. Obviously for a real relationship with someone, there needs to be more than just sexual compatibility, there needs to be an actual emotional connection. But that is an aspect of a girl I find very attractive.

I've always assumed that hiring an escort would immediately remove me as a potential candidate for dating. Is this wrong? And would you have any advice on it for me?  --Anonymous

I saw that you married a client. Is that common? Common? I can't answer that empirically. I've certainly seen it happen a bunch. But, you have to remember, there are literally hundreds of thousands of sex workers active in the U.S. at any given moment, and the vast majority cycle in and out in a matter of a few months or years. Many (I can't tell you what percentage, although I'd love to know) are partnered. They go into the job having a partner already, or they find a partner along the way, either inside the sex industry or outside it. However, from my 25 years in and around the sex industry, most don’t marry out -- they burn out or move on to something else.

It's a weird kink, but I've always wanted to have a relationship with a girl who continues to sleep with other men. And recently I've realized that dating/marrying an escort would be great. Not so weird-- more common than you might think. You don’t crave monogamy. It’s possible you have a natural inclination towards polyamory, being romantically or sexually involved with more than one person at a time. Or that you are attracted to women who are polyamorous. You might look into exploring that lifestyle.

There’s also a related fetish community of “cucks” and “hotwives.”  “Cucks” are husband/boyfriends who are sexually aroused by their wives/girlfriends having sex with other men. There are escorts and professional dominants advertising these services as role-playing, and I see amateurs online as well, although I’m not sure exactly how to connect with them as a community. 

Obviously for a real relationship with someone, there needs to be more than just sexual compatibility, there needs to be an actual emotional connection.THIS is the issue right here. Plenty of sex workers would be thrilled to have a partner who accepts and supports their job. But without the love component-- mutually shared -- what you're proposing is seeing a sex worker for free, while not minding she sleeps with others for pay. Which -- you probably don't need me to explain to you -- is not an arrangement escorts are eager to discuss.

If you initiate contact with a provider by saying, “Hey there! I’m looking for a girlfriend who has sex with other men, what you do for a living doesn’t bother me. I’d love to meet you for free,” you will be blocked, blacklisted, and otherwise utterly dismissed. Escorts are not advertising for boyfriends. If they want sex for free, they can get as much of it as they like any time at all.

I've always assumed that hiring an escort would immediately remove me as a potential candidate for dating. Is this wrong? I wouldn't say wrong-- just unlikely. Lots (and lots and LOTS) of clients want to the “The One” that an escort sleeps with for free. Sometimes escorts do develop feelings for clients, and a relationship results. This is what happened with my husband and me, and with other sex worker/client couples I’ve known. But in each case, there was a long-standing professional relationship, often several years old, before mutual love bloomed.

So, I’m not saying it’s impossible if you see providers with the goal of connecting romantically you won’t succeed eventually. But I guarantee it will be expensive. And just be aware that you aren’t the only guy working that particular hustle. This is a pitch all sex workers deal with many, many times a day, every day.

Would you have any advice on it for me? My advice would be to take the money out of the equation. Escorting is a job. What you're proposing is equivalent to saying, "Hey, you know, I've always kinda had this fantasy that my accountant files my taxes for free, while charging everyone else. Do accountants sometimes do your taxes just 'cause they like you?" The answer is yes, of course. Accountants have friends, family, and lovers they don’t charge. But people become CPAs to pay their bills.

As I mentioned before, there is a large, active, visible community of polyamorists who explore what you are talking about-- the possibility of multiple partners, both with and without deep emotional connection. I suggest two books, The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, and More Than Two by Frank Veaux and Eve Rickert to learn more.

And, of course, there’s my own book, Thriving in Sex Work: Heartfelt Advice for Staying Sane in the Sex Industry. I talk quite a bit about sex workers and romantic relationships.

Good luck to you!

Got a question for Lola D.? I'll cheerfully answer your questions on self-care, mental well-being, relationships, and sex work.

Email your questions to: Loladavina at protonmail dot com. All questions will be posted as "Anonymous," unless you specifically request your name or initials to be used.

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