Excerpt from Thriving in Sex Work: Sex Work and Money, a personal finance guide for sex workers, available now, wherever paperbacks and ebooks are sold.

Advising and Consulting

It wasn’t until recently that I’ve learned that I can say no. I do love to help people and will never stop volunteering and donating to charities. But my time is precious. If someone isn’t working on the level, I’ll point them to where they can get quick jobs, but I’ll no longer give sums of money. If someone doesn’t listen to me, I stop giving advice. It’s not me being cold, but acknowledging to myself that my time has value! If someone doesn’t respect that, you don’t owe them anything. 

—Amberly Rothfield, Phone Sex Operator

Throughout black/grey market communities such as the adult industry, seasoned pros educate newbies, knowledge usually learned the hard way. Some of us are lucky enough to have friends teach us the “tricks of the trade,” but many of us don’t have experts to turn to for pointers. Even if we do, there’s always more to learn. 

This is where hiring your idol comes in. Someone out there right now is living your ideal sex work life. The surest way to follow in their footsteps is to learn directly from them.

Etiquette, however, is important. Asking to pick a successful sex worker’s brain over a cup of tea is not appropriate—their expertise can literally save you years of lost time and heartache. Offer to pay their full hourly rate, and if they require screening, go through their process—you’ll learn from it. If they won’t accept money from you, then at the very least, send along a heartfelt thank-you note with an offer to make a donation to their favorite charity. 

To talk more about the benefits of consulting with fellow sex workers, I turned to Christina Sophie, a sex and relationship coach with more than 25 years of consultancy experience.

Christina Sophie: Hiring a pro is one of the best investments you can make when you want to take your service to the next level. I think everyone, as soon as they can afford it, should have the client experience. You learn so much from that perspective, starting with what it feels like to hand over money! 

Keep in mind that, unless the person you’re approaching is advertising as a consultant, they might not present you with polished information. That means you need to manage your expectations and be clear about asking for what you want to learn. 

For instance, are you looking for expertise, or an experience? Sure, you can ask nuts-and-bolts questions for an hour, but you can find plenty of information online. My advice is to hire them to take you through their full ritual—here’s where you learn the true pro tips. You’ll pick up on all the little signs of professionalism, or lack thereof. How they talk on the phone, how they greet you, how they move from polite conversation to seduction. You can learn just as much from what works as those little things that bug you. Misspelled words, a distracted attitude, a ringing cell phone, a funky cat box? When wearing the client hat, you notice what a client notices.

Ask them to tell you all their mistakes, what they had to overcome to get to where they are. You’ll learn that they aren’t really a god/dess, but just another human being, and therein lies the secret to their success.

Reaching out to your community is also a terrific way to network. Just keep in mind that each and every time someone refers work to you, kicking back a referral fee is appropriate. 

As for the folks you’ve already dazzled, your fans and clients, don’t be afraid to ask what attracted them to you in the first place, and if there’s anything they can suggest to help you improve. 

And finally, my advice is to hire a superstar at least once a year. Consider it as part of your continuing education!

It’s Okay To Pay—And Get Paid

For all you established folks out there, if someone approaches you for guidance, it’s reasonable to ask for something in return. Many of us make the mistake of rejecting payment, perhaps because we think we shouldn’t take anything from anyone just starting out or less well off than we are. 

There’s nothing wrong with charging for our help; in fact, it’s often the right thing to do. For one thing, people tend to value advice more when they pay for it. It’s important to let folks have their dignity by treating them as equals, rather than implying they’re so far beneath us that we want nothing from them. Reciprocity prevents resentment and burnout. And it drives home the point that we charge for our time in the Biz.

If you really don’t want anything, instruct your mentee to pay it forward. Tell them they’re responsible for keeping the tradition alive of sex workers passing down wisdom from one generation to the next.